My Motherhood Journey

Warning: This is a long one

I’ve never shared my full journey to motherhood online, just glimpses here and there. A caption on Facebook or Instagram after passing a big milestone, or a quick update on stories. But I’ve never had a space to write it all out.

From the beginning, I’ve tried to be open about our process because I remember how alone I felt. My hope in sharing has always been that someone, maybe even just one person who is quietly struggling, might feel a little less alone.

For those who are new here, carrying our own child wasn’t in the cards for us. To bring our baby girl into the world, we ultimately needed both an egg donor and a surrogate. This wasn’t a decision we arrived at quickly or easily. It took years of doctor’s appointments, consultations with specialists across the country, long flights, heavy conversations, and so many tears.

Before I go any further, I want to start with this: I am forever grateful that this path was even available to us. And if you’re still in the thick of trying, my heart is with you. I see you. I remember that pain. The bitterness. The grief. The aching question: Why not me? Why is it so easy for everyone else?

Therapy helped as I tried to work through the mix of emotions: anger, sadness, loss, and (underneath it all) hope. We grow up being told that getting pregnant is practically inevitable, that's why being “careful” was so engrained in us. Therefore, when the moment comes and you’re told you can’t actually get pregnant... it’s completely disorienting. A betrayal of everything you thought you knew about your body.

Because of a health condition (Neurofibromatosis - I could do a whole other post on this alone) I was diagnosed with in 2008 as a junior in high-school, I always knew there was a slight possibility I wouldn’t be able to carry when the time came. But when it was confirmed over a decade later, and when I also learned I wouldn’t be able to use my own eggs, I was absolutely devastated.

We considered every path: life without children, adoption, and ultimately, the road we chose—an egg donor and a surrogate.

The surrogate process is strange, vulnerable, and miraculous—all the feelings, all at once. I am endlessly thankful for the close friendship I had with our surrogate. Having someone I could text or call anytime, who never made me feel like a burden, made all the difference.

I couldn’t be at every appointment because of the distance between us, but I made it to the big ones. Reed and I heard Eleanor’s heartbeat together at the 10-week ultrasound. I was there for the anatomy scan and got to watch her wiggle on the screen. And finally, there was the day she was born—watching her come into the world is a moment I will carry in my heart forever.

Throughout the journey, I kept a running note on my phone—dates, milestones, feelings—because I knew someday I’d want to look back and remember. Our journey began in the spring of 2021. Eleanor was born in April 2024. Three years. Three years to meet our daughter. And I wouldn’t change a thing, because it brought us her.

Of course, there are still things I mourn. I never got to feel her kick. Reed never placed his hand on my belly to feel her move. I never watched my body grow as she grew inside me. I’ll never know what it feels like to conceive. These are losses I will always carry.

During the pregnancy, I also battled so many fears.

Would she bond with me?
Would I bond with her?
Would she somehow love me less, knowing I didn’t carry her or share my DNA?

But the moment I held her—all those fears disappeared.

She is the most perfect little angel, and I believe with all my heart that she came into the world exactly as she was meant to. If we had taken a different path, she wouldn’t be her. And in these 14 months, I’ve learned this truth: love is not lessened by biology or who gave birth. The depth of love I have for her is infinite. Carrying your child is beautiful—but it’s not the only way to become a mother.

She’s already 100% a daddy’s girl. Reed is her favorite by a mile—and honestly, I love it. Watching him become a father has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever witnessed. It made every step, every tear, every doubt along the way worth it—a hundred times over.

Someday, I’ll tell Eleanor the story of how she came to be. How deeply she was wanted. How two incredible women helped bring her into the world. And how she made us a family.

If you’re walking a similar path—whether navigating infertility, exploring alternative paths to parenthood, or sitting in the thick of uncertainty—I want you to know: you are not alone. I see you. I’ve been in your shoes, and I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. Sometimes, just knowing someone else has been there makes all the difference.

With love,
Makenzie